Script removed after controversy later in thread.
 

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I'm all woman so don't refer to me as a bloke...ta
 

as I suspected, it's just a clique on here
 

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I'm all woman so don't refer to me as a bloke...ta
 

Too long for me. I'd imagine when they all get back from the meet-up there'll be plenty of people willing to slag it off.
 

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World Record holder for most BSG avatars in one day.
Undefeated at internet ping pong. Come back Graham! You can have the trophy!
Purity is for Admen to make fools of us all.
Founder (and only member) of the Real Magpie Pirates.

 

Quote:

as I suspected, it's just a clique on here

Bushbaby, I can't speak for others, but that hostile attitude is exactly why I don't want to comment on your stuff.
 

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"'Reality,' sa molesworth 2, 'is so unspeakably sordid it make me shudder.'"

 

Hey BB I don't care about your attitude, but the formatting here does me in, Would love to read it in some kind of way i recognise.
 

That script is the gayest thing which I've never read.
 

Quote: Griff @ September 6 2008, 8:59 PM BST

Bushbaby, I can't speak for others, but that hostile attitude is exactly why I don't want to comment on your stuff.

View original

 

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I'm all woman so don't refer to me as a bloke...ta
 

Quote: frostyboy @ September 6 2008, 10:13 PM BST

That script is the gayest thing which I've never read.

View original

I take it you have read this then?


 

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"You have an answer for every question don't you"

"Yes. Even the rhetorical ones"
 

I persevered despite the formatting. As you say, it is gag light, and some of those are a bit old (e.g. "We're having turkey", which was also kind of shoe-horned in) . You have gone for character comedy. Maggie came across clearly enough, as did Wayne and Sophie, if a little stereotyped. Andy and Pete I did not quite get a handle on, and Ian was a blank. I think part of the problem is that there is not a lot of differentation in the relationships between characters. Each character needs to relate in a different way to each other character. And in the boys dialogue with Maggie, and with one another, that did not come across strongly enough. I also felt that character was shown through what we were told about the characters, rather than through the characters revealing themselves through a distinctive voice.

But building amusing characters and character dynamics in a 15 minutes script has got to be a challenge, so well done on the attempt, and for being brave enough to post!
 

Quote: bushbaby @ September 6 2008, 5:04 PM BST

View original

That's extremely gag light!

I'll have a look if you post it back up.

I was in Greenwich tonight getting loved up with the BSG possee.
 

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The ASDA of satire.

I hate purity, I hate goodness!I don't want any virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones.

But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.

1984
 

Quote: Timbo @ September 6 2008, 11:02 PM BST

I persevered despite the formatting. As you say, it is gag light, and some of those are a bit old (e.g. "We're having turkey", which was also kind of shoe-horned in) . You have gone for character comedy. Maggie came across clearly enough, as did Wayne and Sophie, if a little stereotyped. Andy and Pete I did not quite get a handle on, and Ian was a blank. I think part of the problem is that there is not a lot of differentation in the relationships between characters. Each character needs to relate in a different way to each other character. And in the boys dialogue with Maggie, and with one another, that did not come across strongly enough. I also felt that character was shown through what we were told about the characters, rather than through the characters revealing themselves through a distinctive voice.

But building amusing characters and character dynamics in a 15 minutes script has got to be a challenge, so well done on the attempt, and for being brave enough to post!

View original

Thank you Timbo, the format went haywire when I put it on here and I spent some time getting it in some order.
Your points are valid but to me, many sitcoms have the same type characters ..i.e... Royal family...My family...Last of The Summer Wine etc.
I sometimes think rules only apply to rejected scripts.
The reason I said what the characters are like [and you're right one shouldn't have to] is that it is so difficult to get a tone of voice by reading a script.
The cops in Last of The Summer Wine ....their dialogue is so banal but it is how it is acted/said that makes it so funny. On the page it will be nothing but the writer is so well established he will have explained how he wanted the characters to be. Had it been a new writer, I suspect not one editor would have got the humour.
I think the cops are the funniest in it.But thanks again, very much appreciated.

I deleted the post because it was a bit egotistical of me and perhaps too long for readers.
 

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I'm all woman so don't refer to me as a bloke...ta
 

Put it back BB I wan't to read it. But ten o'clock on a saturday night and my judgement is impaired - and my vision - so I was waiting till this morning.


 

Quote: Marc P @ September 7 2008, 11:21 AM BST

Put it back BB I wan't to read it. But ten o'clock on a saturday night and my judgement is impaired - and my vision - so I was waiting till this morning.

View original

done
 

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I'm all woman so don't refer to me as a bloke...ta
 

Hi BB,

I enjoyed reading this.

I loved the wet paint line

As an example though it highlights how you delivered it that you are hiding your jokes amongst too much banter. You need to tee them up a bit. E.g.

IAN: I nabbed a grafitti artist, felt a bit mean really, I think he was just trying to be helpful.

WAYNE: Why, what did he write?

IAN: Wet paint.


I can see what you mean about character comedy but that doesn't mean you can't have 'gags' peppered throughout. LOTSW would never ever have been picked as a Sitcom Trials script... ever, because they want verbal gags and plenty off them to get the live audience laughing. I would suggest looking at Dinner Ladies as more the thing, very much character based but still plemty of gags.

One thing that puzzled me was what these people actually were. Do the council have teams going round doing people for litter and having sex on gravestones etc?? I'm not sure I believed the premise so it made the character perhaps a little less real for me.
 

Quote: Marc P @ September 7 2008, 12:14 PM BST

Hi BB,

I enjoyed reading this.

I loved the wet paint line

As an example though it highlights how you delivered it that you are hiding your jokes amongst too much banter. You need to tee them up a bit. E.g.

IAN: I nabbed a grafitti artist, felt a bit mean really, I think he was just trying to be helpful.

WAYNE: Why, what did he write?

IAN: Wet paint.


I can see what you mean about character comedy but that doesn't mean you can't have 'gags' peppered throughout. LOTSW would never ever have been picked as a Sitcom Trials script... ever, because they want verbal gags and plenty off them to get the live audience laughing. I would suggest looking at Dinner Ladies as more the thing, very much character based but still plemty of gags.

One thing that puzzled me was what these people actually were. Do the council have teams going round doing people for litter and having sex on gravestones etc?? I'm not sure I believed the premise so it made the character perhaps a little less real for me.

View original

Thanks Marc. Yes, you must have heard all the restrictions that are being put onto us these days by councils...can't leave the bin lid open or you're fined. Can't drop litter/butt ends...you're fined. They call them jobsworths and are employed by the councils to 'snoop' on the public. It is topical.
With other sitcoms I have written they have been gag loaded and the beeb just won't have it. They don't think it's the British way, more USA.
As these trials are connected with the beeb and the winning one is selected to perhaps go forward as a beeb sitcom, I tried to keep the style which they seem to prefer.......usually.
Thanks for reading it.
Yes your 'wet paint' lines are far better, I see what you mean.
 

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I'm all woman so don't refer to me as a bloke...ta