May 13, 2008, 3:33 PM BSTEdited by Nigel Kelly on May 15 2008, 10:16 AM BST
EXT. DAY. BEACH.
TWO MEN (JIM AND BILL) ARE USING METAL DETECTORS.
SFX BLEEP
BILL: Gimme that spade over Jim.
JIM: Its about time we got something.
BILL STARTS TO DIG
BILL: I'm hitting a box of some sort.
JIM: Shit, this looks promising Bill.
BILL: Bloody hell, its a treasure chest.
JIM: A proper old time one an' all.
BILL: Go and get the crowbar out of my car please Jim.
JIM RETURNS WITH A CROWBAR.
BILL: I'll get this bugger open and we'll see if it's our lucky day or not.
THE TREASURE CHEST IS PRISED OPEN AND THEY PEER IN.
BILL: Oh. My. God.
JIM: Is that what I think it is?
BILL LIFTS AN OLD METAL DETECTOR OUT OF THE TREASURE CHEST.
JIM: 1970's Deluxe model Bill, a real rarity.
BILL: Beautiful craftsmanship. They dont make 'em like they used to.
ENDS.
Possibly a bit too obvious this one.
swerytd
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May 14, 2008, 10:14 AM BST
No, it's not. I quite like it. To be honest, I was waiting to be disappointed with some derivative thing but was pleasantly surprised by the reveal. Nicely done.
Needs chopping a bit though. Start with them hitting the box straight away (the 'this looks promising' line) and just have the crowbar next to them rather than in the car. Also, don't think you need the 'I'll get the bugger open...' line at all.
Dan
waring
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May 14, 2008, 11:30 AM BST
see comment on 'Quickie'
I have been suspended banned for not adhering to site rules, and refusing a direct request from a moderator when asked politely.
DIKTURNIP
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May 14, 2008, 12:01 PM BST
Not predictable at all. Not sure about the treasure chest tho. Couldn't they just find a metal detector? Or don't detectors have metal parts? Also, in my opinion this could be just as good with one man and no dialogue.
Ladma
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May 14, 2008, 4:35 PM BST
Reminds me of Peter Cook in conversation with Clive Anderson as the metal detector character. Cook mentions his metal detector detecting itself.
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sootyj
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May 14, 2008, 4:38 PM BST
It's good, but I agree it could be nippier.
The ASDA of satire.
I hate purity, I hate goodness!I don't want any virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones.
But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.
1984
Afinkawan
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May 14, 2008, 4:40 PM BST
Yeah, I like it too but agree that it could be quicker.
Maybe just once someone will call me 'sir' without adding, "you're making a scene."
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