Space Busters

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

NATH AND TREY (LATE 20s) SIT ON A SOFA SURROUNDED BY CLUTTER.

NATH
So... my new business venture, ‘Space Busters’. Find a space and bust it! Whatdaya think?

TREY
It’s just a cluttered reverse version of Feng Shui.

NATH
Ah, but with this, you get to attach your own meaning.

TREY
‘Coz you’re unable to move.

TREY ATTEMPTS TO MOVE AND KNOCKS OVER A PILE OF BOOKS.

TREY
Bugger! So what’s that teetering pile of junk by the door?

NATH
My money corner.

TREY
That figures, but who’d want to live like this?

NATH
You’d be surprised!

NATH’S MOBILE RINGS. HE PICKS UP.

NATH
Hi, Nath, Space Busters. (BEAT) I’m touched you’re so happy with the service. (BEAT) Chat soon. Mwah!

NATH CLICKS OFF HIS MOBILE. TREY LOOKS SURPRISED.

NATH
(TO HIMSELF)
I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky...


 

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Founder Member of the First Chapter of Guys & Girlie Pirates. AKA The Girlie Pirates.

"Scurvy Spice" of The Spice Trade Girls


 

“DEAD SPACE”

EXT. – THE STREET – DAY

A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE WALKING ALONG THE STREET IN DISCUSSION.

MAN:
Seeing the news about those space burials – it got me thinking.

WOMAN:
Surely not! It’s so polluting!

MAN:
Yeah, and expensive. But what is the best way to be – you know – laid to rest?

WOMAN:
Well, I don’t fancy getting buried. That’s hardly green. It’s like human landfill.

MAN:
(shivers)
All packed in tightly like a zombie orgy. And with land values as they are you’ll have a Tesco’s on top of you in no time. Anyway, it costs enough to get a plot as it is.

WOMAN:
Cremation’s certainly not an option. All those carbon emissions.

MAN:
Yeah. And it seems so – final.

WOMAN:
So what else is there?

MAN:
I’ve done some homework. This is the answer.

THEY COME TO HALT. PULL BACK AND REVEAL THEY ARE OUTSIDE A SELF-STORAGE FACILITY.

MAN:
(enthusiastic)
Units are only a few quid a week. Propped up in cardboard boxes we’ll only need their smallest size.

WOMAN IS UNEASY.

MAN:
Embalmed of course. I’ve checked the rules. As long as there’s no living organic matter…

WOMAN:
What about ethics?

MAN:
There’s no living organic matter there either. Look, it makes sense. It’s not landfill, it’s not polluting, and my death benefit will pay the rent until the boys are old enough to take it on. All that and there’s 24 hour access too!

WOMAN:
I’m not sure…

MAN:
Well, I’ve already taken a unit. Saved a packet by making a long-term booking.

WOMAN:
But you’re not dead yet! Isn’t it a waste of money?

MAN:
Trust me, it’s not.

WOMAN STANDS BY AS MAN TAKES OUT AN ACCESS CARD, SWIPES IT, AND BEGINS TO SLIDE BACK A HEAVY METAL DOOR TO ENTER THE STORAGE FACILITY. HE STEPS INSIDE AND TURNS TO FACE HER, RECOGNISING SHE HASN’T FOLLOWED HIM.

MAN:
Come on, do you want to visit your mother or not?

END

 

TERMINAL ANIMOSITY

INT DAY. THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE. HEATHROW’S TERMINAL 6 SPACE TERMINAL
A LONE MALE TRAVELLER WAKES UP FROM THE FLOOR TO LOOK UP AT A SMILING WOMAN.

Woman:
Good afternoon sir, are you booked on the Virgin Space Gaze or the Moonwalk Thriller?

Man:
Actually, I was due to record a piece for a site on the cosmonet about eating in space..

Woman:
Ah, you mean the You’ve Been Spaced package for YOUSAT?

Man:
I think so..

Woman:
Slight problem.. you’re gonna have to pay another 16 units as we’ve had a baggage malfunction at terminal 6…

Man:
What? But it cost 2 trillion units to build and was planned when Branson was still alive.

Woman:
He is still alive, sir.

Man:
No, his cryogenically frozen head was defrosted last year and bolted onto the body of David Beckham.

Woman:
Still alive sir. Still alive sir.

(SHE TILTS HER HEAD AND SMILES BLANDLY)

Man:
So when will we be blasting off? We’ve been delayed for 29 hours and my bags are probably on a moon buggy by now..

Woman:
Here’s your bags sir.

SHE LOOKS DOWNWARDS AND TWO SUITCASES APPEAR AT HE MAN’S SIDE. HE LOOKS AT THEM IN AMAZEMENT.

Man:
But….so when will we be blasting off?

THE WOMAN HAS VANISHED NOW AND HER VOICE CAN BE HEARD OVER THE TANNOY.

VOICE ON TANNOY:
THE YOU’VE BEEN SPACED FLIGHT WILL BE DEPARTING SOON, SOON. THE YOU’VE BEEN SPACED FLIGHT WILL BE DEPARTING SOON, SOON, SOON..

SFX: A RUMBLING SOUND GETTING LOUDER.

THE VOICE ON THE TANNOY GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER AND MORE DISTROTED. THE MAN HOLDS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

VOICE ON TANNOY:
THE YOU’VE BEEN SPACED FLIGHT WILL BE DEPARTING SOON, SOON, SOON, SOON.. THE YOU’VE BEEN SPACED FLIGHT WILL BE DEPARTING SOONIE, SOOONAAAAAAH, SOO-PA-PA, TROO-PA-PA……..

FADE TO WHITE.

 

Hi thanx to an appalling bout of flu I'm stuck in bed and won't be hitting an Internet point for a coupla days. Just to remind you this comp's open TILL MIDNIGHT SUNDAY then you can vote till MIDNIGHT WEDNESDAY.
Cheers all
Michael
 

If voting has started, I'll vote for Charley.

If not, I will defer my vote until President Mugawbe has said who I have voted for.
 

I'm voting for Charley too.

 

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Founder Member of the First Chapter of Guys & Girlie Pirates. AKA The Girlie Pirates.

"Scurvy Spice" of The Spice Trade Girls


 

Yeah the flu's over for now so keep those votes coming till midnight tonight (Wed)! I'm going for Jude (painful).
 

Mr. Nigel Kelly esq for me pwease. Please notify me by post when I win and where I can pick up my prize. I will be off line for a few days.
 

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My excrement and I thank you.
 

Kelly.... Nigel Kelly, for me.
 

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http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/cv/Otterfox
 

Mr David Bussell!
 

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Sorry... NOT!
 

Nigel kelly
 

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Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination, we'll begin with a spin traveling in the world of my creation

Feel free to be as negative as you want to my scripts or sketches.

Feel free to make whatever suggestions you want to my scripts or sketches, however by making any suggestions or changes you are then giving me the right to use them without asking your permission. Which is nice.
 

Wayne Rooney! I mean, Wayne Lewis.
 

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Dear Providence has you all in his sights.
 

Comp's over, thanx for voting! Check back asap for the results...