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On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Nigel Kelly said:
EXT. DAY. BEACH.
TWO MEN (JIM AND BILL) ARE USING METAL DETECTORS.
SFX BLEEP
BILL: Gimme that spade over Jim.
JIM: Its about time we got something.
BILL STARTS TO DIG
BILL: I'm hitting a box of some sort.
JIM: Shit, this looks promising Bill.
BILL: Bloody hell, its a treasure chest.
JIM: A proper old time one an' all.
BILL: Go and get the crowbar out of my car please Jim.
JIM RETURNS WITH A CROWBAR.
BILL: I'll get this bugger open and we'll see if it's our lucky day or not.
THE TREASURE CHEST IS PRISED OPEN AND THEY PEER IN.
BILL: Oh. My. God.
JIM: Is that what I think it is?
BILL LIFTS AN OLD METAL DETECTOR OUT OF THE TREASURE CHEST.
JIM: 1970's Deluxe model Bill, a real rarity.
BILL: Beautiful craftsmanship. They dont make 'em like they used to.
ENDS.
Possibly a bit too obvious this one.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, swerytd said:
No, it's not. I quite like it. To be honest, I was waiting to be disappointed with some derivative thing but was pleasantly surprised by the reveal. Nicely done.
Needs chopping a bit though. Start with them hitting the box straight away (the 'this looks promising' line) and just have the crowbar next to them rather than in the car. Also, don't think you need the 'I'll get the bugger open...' line at all.
Dan
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, waring said:
see comment on 'Quickie'
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, DIKTURNIP said:
Not predictable at all. Not sure about the treasure chest tho. Couldn't they just find a metal detector? Or don't detectors have metal parts? Also, in my opinion this could be just as good with one man and no dialogue.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Ladma said:
Reminds me of Peter Cook in conversation with Clive Anderson as the metal detector character. Cook mentions his metal detector detecting itself.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, sootyj said:
It's good, but I agree it could be nippier.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Afinkawan said:
Yeah, I like it too but agree that it could be quicker.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Sofa_Matt said:
JIM: Shit, this looks promising Jim.
Jim seems to be talking to himself?
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Nigel Kelly said:
Quote: Sofa_Matt @ May 15 2008, 10:12 AM BSTJIM: Shit, this looks promising Jim.
Jim seems to be talking to himself?
View original
Thanks, will fix.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, SlagA said:
Neat, not obvious but DikTurnip is right to say ditch the chest.