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Awkward Lighter
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, ian_w said:
EXT. A STREET
MAN1 IS WALKING ALONG, WHISTLING TO HIMSELF. A STRANGER (MAN2) WITH AN UNLIT CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH, STOPS HIM.
MAN2:
'Scuse me, mate, you got a light on ya?
MAN1:
Yeah, sure.
MAN1 FEELS AROUND IN HIS POCKETS AND EVENTUALLY PRODUCES A LIGHTER.
MAN1(CONT):
Here you go!
MAN2:
Ah, great one. Cheers!
MAN2 TAKES THE LIGHTER. HE STRIKES IT A FEW TIMES BUT IT WILL NOT WORK. HE BOWS HIS HEAD AND PULLS HIS COAT OUT AS A WIND BARRIER, BUT STILL THE LIGHTER WON'T WORK.
MAN1:
Look, give it here. It's a bit tricky, there's a bit of a knack to it.
MAN2:
(HANDING BACK THE LIGHTER) Oh, ok!
MAN1 RAISES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS UPWARDS.
MAN1:
(SHOUTING) Heed me, spirits of the damned.
THE WIND STARTS TO BLOW HARDER AND TO HOWL.
MAN1(CONT):
Descend now, oh wretched and vile demons of Hell, upon this earth in which you have no place.
IT BEGINS TO THUNDER.
MAN1(CONT):
(SHOUTING LOUDER) Come! Come! Bring thee from thy dark abode!
IT STARTS LIGHTENING.
MAN1(CONT):
Come! As you came when I offered unto thee the blood of my virgin children. Come! As you came when you devoured my offspring, and spewed their bones into the unquenchable furnace of Hades.
ABOVE THE THUNDER AND WIND, DEMONIC MOANING NOISES AND HISSES FILL THE AIR.
MAN1(CONT):
Bethink thyself of all the whores I have sodomised brutally, so that their blood were rich for thee as it seeped from their throats. Come now, oh despicable abominations, and give me that which I am owed!
VERY SOON EVERYTHING RETURNS TO COMPLETE CALM, AND A LITTLE FLAME POPS UP ON THE LIGHTER.
MAN1:
Ah, there you go look!
MAN1 LIGHTS MAN2'S CIGARETTE. MAN2 DOESN'T INHALE BECAUSE HE IS PARALISED WITH SHOCK, SO THAT HIS CIGARETTE CATCHES FIRE AT THE END.
MAN1:
well, see ya then.
MAN1 RESUMES HIS WHISTLE AND WALKS AWAY.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, DIKTURNIP said:
I like it. Could see Mitchell and Webb doing something like this. I think the ending is a little weak though. I wouldn't try a punchline, but maybe a little further on someone could ask him for directions or something and the sketch fades as he goes into another rant. Any thoughts?
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, ian_w said:
Thanks DT!
I wish I hadn't said such bad things about M & W now 
Yeah I'd be interested to hear what people think of your suggestion. I like the idea, but wonder if it might be pushing it a bit too far?
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, F Green said:
What about after the storm starts the chap with cigarette gets struck by a bolt of lightning and his head is blown clean of his shoulders and smoke appears from torso. And the punchline is, you want to knock that smoking on the head mate.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, sootyj said:
I like the simplicity of it. It's pretty good. Maybe lighter, lights briefly, and goes straight back out again?
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, ian_w said:
Quote: F Green @ March 26, 2008, 11:24 PMWhat about after the storm starts the chap with cigarette gets struck by a bolt of lightning and his head is blown clean of his shoulders and smoke appears from torso. And the punchline is, you want to knock that smoking on the head mate.
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That's a good joke, erm...'F'? Think it would make it an entirely different sketch though.
Quote: sootyj @ March 26, 2008, 11:25 PMI like the simplicity of it. It's pretty good. Maybe lighter, lights briefly, and goes straight back out again?
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Hadn't thought of that Joel. Thanks muchly, a good idea I think I may just add that!
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Antony Wheeler said:
Quote: sootyj @ March 26, 2008, 11:25 PMI like the simplicity of it. It's pretty good. Maybe lighter, lights briefly, and goes straight back out again?
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Nice touch. I agree.
Great sketch, too. A bit like Armstrong & Miller of old.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Badge said:
Very funny. I have just LOL-ed. Well done.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, David Bussell said:
It's a very good idea you've dragged out for a little too long. If it was shorter I don't think I'd feel the punch was lacking. Here's how I'd like to see it play out:
EXT. STREET - DAY
MAN 1 IS STROLLING ALONG, WHISTLING. A STRANGER (MAN 2) STOPS HIM - AN UNLIT CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH.
MAN 2:
'Scuse me, mate, you got a light?
MAN 1 PADS HIS POCKETS AND PRODUCES A LIGHTER.
MAN1(CONT):
There you go.
MAN 2:
Nice one.
MAN 2 TAKES THE LIGHTER. HE STRIKES IT A FEW TIMES BUT IT WON'T WORK. HE BOWS HIS HEAD AND PULLS HIS COAT OUT AS A WIND BARRIER. STILL NO JOY.
MAN 1:
There's a bit of a knack to it.
MAN 2 HANDS BACK THE LIGHTER. MAN 1 RAISES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS TO UPWARDS.
MAN 1:
(SHOUTING) Heed me, spirits of the damned!
WIND HOWLS.
MAN 1(CONT):
Descend now, oh wretched and vile demons of Hell, upon this earth in which you have no place. Come! Bring thee from thy dark abode!
THUNDER. DEMONIC MOANING FILLS THE AIR.
MAN 1(CONT):
Come as you came when I offered unto thee the blood of my virgin children. Come! As you came when you devoured my offspring, and spewed their bones into the unquenchable furnace of Hades. Come now, oh despicable abominations, and give me that which I am owed!
SUDDENLY EVERYTHING RETURNS TO CALM. A LITTLE FLAME POPS UP ON THE LIGHTER. MAN 1 LIGHTS THE CIGARETTE. MAN 2 DOESN'T INHALE - PARALYSED WITH SHOCK.
MAN 1:
See ya then.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Antony Wheeler said:
David, while I like your edit, I think it's funnier if it goes to greater extremes. It then makes the singularly unimpressive appearance of a tiny flame all the more amusing after a massive build-up.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, David Bussell said:
Fair enough, but I think returning to the monlogue three times (with all the thunder, lightning and demonic moaning interspersed) is extreme enough. Five times seems a joke too far. Make it ten and it might start being funny again (ala Sideshow Bob stepping on the rakes).
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Antony Wheeler said:
Or that classic 'I'm Alan Partridge' moment in the second series when he calls out the name 'Dan' about 20 times. 
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, David Bussell said:
Quote: Antony Wheeler @ March 27, 2008, 11:07 AMOr that classic 'I'm Alan Partridge' moment in the second series when he calls out the name 'Dan' about 20 times.
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Quite right.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, roscoff said:
I think it needs editing down as David I think says. Two or three storms are enough for anyone. Three is normally the magic number. But excellent idea.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, ian_w said:
Thank you all for your feedback, much appreciated.
David, special thanks to you for going to the trouble of re-writing.
Verbiage has always been one of my biggest problems. The only part I would disagree with is Man 1's dialogue during the storm. I see what you mean that on paper it is much more compact and looks lots tidier, but on screen I would have the weather changes happening as he talks so there would be no interuptions in the visual version (if you see what I'm saying).
I must say I'm also surprised you would opt to lose the 'Ah, there you go look' line - I thought this response would be funny seeing as it's so casual, as if he'd been trying to make the lighter work some normal way.
I will however be making many of the changes you suggested as I do think they're much neater, and again thank you for that.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, David Bussell said:
Quote: ian_w @ March 27, 2008, 12:13 PMThank you all for your feedback, much appreciated.
David, special thanks to you for going to the trouble of re-writing.
Verbiage has always been one of my biggest problems. The only part I would disagree with is Man 1's dialogue during the storm. I see what you mean that on paper it is much more compact and looks lots tidier, but on screen I would have the weather changes happening as he talks so there would be no interuptions in the visual version (if you see what I'm saying).
I must say I'm also surprised you would opt to lose the 'Ah, there you go look' line - I thought this response would be funny seeing as it's so casual, as if he'd been trying to make the lighter work some normal way.
I will however be making many of the changes you suggested as I do think they're much neater, and again thank you for that.
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No worries. Thanks for not taking the rewrite as an affront!
You may well be right about the "there you go" line. I'd rather see it carried across with a facial expression myself. That's me talking from a writer/performer standpoint though - I can see why you'd want to convey it implicitly in the script.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Badge said:
Quote: ian_w @ March 27, 2008, 12:13 PMI must say I'm also surprised you would opt to lose the 'Ah, there you go look' line - I thought this response would be funny seeing as it's so casual, as if he'd been trying to make the lighter work some normal way.
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My favourite bit.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Perry Nium said:
Very funny. P'raps a smidge too long but very funny. Send it in to Mitchell & Webb. Or Armstrong & Miller.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, Winterlight said:
I liked this one. However, I think one less storm/incantation bit would make it sharper
I'd like to see Man 1's acting during the storm bits. His fear would be quite hilarious.
On Wednesday 31st December 1969 GMT at 7:00 PM GMT, ian_w said:
Quote: Winterlight @ March 27, 2008, 10:43 PMI liked this one. However, I think one less storm/incantation bit would make it sharper
I'd like to see Man 1's acting during the storm bits. His fear would be quite hilarious.
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I guess David Bussell's rewrite more or less needs to be the final article! I can see it now though - the bit about the whores can go without any real loss.
Quote: Perry Nium @ March 27, 2008, 9:47 PMVery funny. P'raps a smidge too long but very funny. Send it in to Mitchell & Webb. Or Armstrong & Miller.
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Thanks very much Perry! I would send it in like a shot if I had the faintest idea how to even begin going about it.
(there really is no hope for me )Thanks to everyone once again, very helpful crit.