As the monkey walks down the road with the still smoking gun in his hand and smile grows across his face.

"I hate you Robert Lyndsey!"

He screamed at the top of his voice, before pushing the gun, hard into his temple and pulling the trigger.

Black.

Alice, the thirty year old receptionist, hands a newspaper to Micky Mouse,

"Fuck you, you, you bitch. I don't need you, fuck you, fuck off!"

Screams Micky as he throws a coffee in her face.

Black.

The Invisible man stands in the centre of a doctors waiting room. He's not invisible at the moment, except for one hand.

"What's wrong with me, dammit!"

"Calm down."

Says the nurse.

"How the fuck can I do that?!"

He screams.

The nurse smiles and softly says,

"Because, because everything is going to be OK."

The Invisible man settles down and sits and then smiles.

Black.

To be continued...
 

Seriously, x, what is this? I mean, what actually is it?
 

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I'm having quite a lesbian day - Robyn, BSG

A forum for novelists, short story writers, poets, playwrights etc. Feel free to join in!
The Writers' Lodge
 

WTF?
 

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WTF?

 

I think I get, it's random poetry, stream of consciousness, with a good rhythm.

But with no apparent underlying message, it's not going anywhere.
 

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The ASDA of satire.
"Thoughtcrime was not a thing that could be concealed forever. You might dodge successfully for a while, even for years, but sooner or later they were bound to get you." Which is exactly what happened to Winston Smith. His rebellion was not one that was foolish and too outspoken. He silently tried to defeat the Party for his personal happiness, and in the end it cost him everything he had fought for, and his love for Julia. He had learned to love Big Brother, which was his ultimate fear when trying to live a life of individuality. The Party had defeated him.

1984
 

I loved it. But I think it's perfectly self-contained in its three-part glory and any continuation would detract.
Maybe set it out more conventionally?
Could the Invisible Man be drinking from a plastic cup of water with his invisible hand?
 

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There ain't no dark till something shines.
 

Not for me. Too disjointed and despite the idea that there's an underlying theme, it's really just random images. Randomness isn't necessarily funny. The last section works best and is a nice idea but the potential for comedy in that situation seems to have been overlooked.

On a positive note, some nice imagery.
 

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The Slagg Brothers live at:welshwriters.org.uk/slaggbrothers.

Our MySpace. Feel free to add us as friends.

Our YouTube. Subscribe to us and we'll return the compliment.
 

Robert Lyndsey's been asking for it for years. The more so since I saw a documentary about him visiting a sickly child in hospital.

Maybe the last 'Black' could be 'Blue'. Just a thought.
 

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There ain't no dark till something shines.
 

Quote: JohnnyD @ May 10 2008, 10:13 AM BST

Maybe the last 'Black' could be 'Blue'. Just a thought.

View original

 

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The Slagg Brothers live at:welshwriters.org.uk/slaggbrothers.

Our MySpace. Feel free to add us as friends.

Our YouTube. Subscribe to us and we'll return the compliment.
 

Random indeed. I like writing my own random stuff just for the hell of it but I wouldn't expect other people to like it.
 

What's not funny about Micky throwing a coffee in the receptionist's face?
This piece is a breath of fresh air in a forum beset with puns and 'satire'. (See Aaron's recent sideswipe at 'Critique'.)

Other contributors here would not have resisted:

THE NURSE HANDS THE INVISIBLE MAN A GOWN.
NURSE:
The doctor will see you now.
 

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There ain't no dark till something shines.
 

What the hell is wrong with satire, or puns?

Their both funny, this is just sunglasses wearing reflective, trendiness.

Bet you make your sandwiches with bath sponges instead of bread. Because you're just so darned tired of dreary old conformist bread. And maybe you're trendy little espresso's with bisto? Cos coffees so 1997?

Stream of consciousness, bathos, and surrealism, are great. Milligan, Python, Vic Reeves, Edward Lear. Good for them.

But with even the most opaque of them, is structure and direction.

And lay off the puns. Puns, beer, and ultimo bras prove God truly loves us.

Oh and Surallan having a strop Gawd bless hi,
 

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The ASDA of satire.
"Thoughtcrime was not a thing that could be concealed forever. You might dodge successfully for a while, even for years, but sooner or later they were bound to get you." Which is exactly what happened to Winston Smith. His rebellion was not one that was foolish and too outspoken. He silently tried to defeat the Party for his personal happiness, and in the end it cost him everything he had fought for, and his love for Julia. He had learned to love Big Brother, which was his ultimate fear when trying to live a life of individuality. The Party had defeated him.

1984
 

I neither liked it nor disliked it. Thought it was nicely written but that was about it. I don't think it would work on screen but that’s my opinion.

As for Aarons "side swipe" at critique, I sure his tongue was most definitely in his cheek. Plus I think the critique section is why most people visit this site. It is for me anyway.

 

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Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination, we'll begin with a spin traveling in the world of my creation

Feel free to be as negative as you want to my scripts or sketches.

Feel free to make whatever suggestions you want to my scripts or sketches, however by making any suggestions or changes you are then giving me the right to use them without asking your permission. Which is nice.
 

Could some one direct me to Aaron's side swipe, sounds fun.
 

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The ASDA of satire.
"Thoughtcrime was not a thing that could be concealed forever. You might dodge successfully for a while, even for years, but sooner or later they were bound to get you." Which is exactly what happened to Winston Smith. His rebellion was not one that was foolish and too outspoken. He silently tried to defeat the Party for his personal happiness, and in the end it cost him everything he had fought for, and his love for Julia. He had learned to love Big Brother, which was his ultimate fear when trying to live a life of individuality. The Party had defeated him.

1984