Let me know what you think, just literally had the idea so I dont know if it works. Thanks in advance, Paul.

AN ELDERLY COUPLE ARE IN THEIR FRONT ROOM AND ARE TALKING ABOUT THE YOUTH OF TODAY.

(THE COUPLE ARE SITTING ON THEIR SOFA WATCHING THE TELEVISION)

Man
You heard this love?

Woman
What?

Man
Apparently, some poor girl has been murdered, simply because she was a Goth.

Woman
Really? That’s disgusting!

Man
I know, that would never have happened back when we were young. The youth of today are despicable, always drinking, taking drugs and what do the Government do about this? Give them an ASBO. So, basically they get rewarded with a certificate for being bastards. Absolutely disgusting, bring back national service that’s what I say. Youth of today, worse we have ever had, absolute scum.

Woman
But they give great head.

THE HUSBAND PONDERS.

Man
Yeah, they do.

 

Not bad. Perhaps it would be better if you reversed the roles and had the woman making the 'but they give great head' line.

PS. You can lose the parenthesis 'clearly looks angry', his emotional state is implicit in the dialogue I think.
 

---

www.davidbussell.com
 

Thanks for the feedback Dave mate, I'll take your advice and change it a little. Once again thanks mate.
 

Agree with David, it would be much better if it was the woman saying it. Pretty good sketch though, Mr Paul.
 

---

I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

A forum for novelists, short story writers, poets, playwrights etc. Feel free to join in!
The Writers' Lodge
 

Thanks Ian, Yes, i'll probably change the roles of the two in the sketch like you and David advised. Thanks.


Just done a quick role reversal in the sketch like advised, is this any better?
 

You know what else - after the, 'but they give great head' line, anything else is just noise. I'd end the dialogue there.
 

---

www.davidbussell.com
 

Thanks again for the advice David. Just made the recommended changes. Thanks.
 

Quote: Paul Carroll @ March 28, 2008, 12:36 AM

Woman
Yeah, I suppose *you're* right, (PAUSES) but they give great head. (LAUGHS)

View original

One final change.

 

---

www.davidbussell.com
 

Thanks David, your advice and feedback is much appreciated.
 

No worries.

It occurs to me that you could stand to lose both set of parenthesis in that sentence too.
 

---

www.davidbussell.com
 

That's loads better Paul.
I dunno what you would think to this, but how about the man laughs and says 'yes, they do', instead of looking in disbelief?
 

---

I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

A forum for novelists, short story writers, poets, playwrights etc. Feel free to join in!
The Writers' Lodge
 

I am liking the imrpoved version alot.
 

---

The ASDA of satire.
"Thoughtcrime was not a thing that could be concealed forever. You might dodge successfully for a while, even for years, but sooner or later they were bound to get you." Which is exactly what happened to Winston Smith. His rebellion was not one that was foolish and too outspoken. He silently tried to defeat the Party for his personal happiness, and in the end it cost him everything he had fought for, and his love for Julia. He had learned to love Big Brother, which was his ultimate fear when trying to live a life of individuality. The Party had defeated him.

1984
 

Thanks for the advice Ian and David, I'll make them changes and i'll have a play around with your idea Ian to see if it improves the sketch. Thanks guys.
 

Don't be afraid to say 'nah, don't think so', you're not going to hurt my feelings honestly

Well done though, it's definitely much better now.
 

---

I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

A forum for novelists, short story writers, poets, playwrights etc. Feel free to join in!
The Writers' Lodge
 

I agree with ian_w over the ending. The look of utter disbelief doesn't really do anything.

If the husband considered what his wife had just said and made a wordless expression/nod of "yeah, good point", it'd be improved. I think.




 

---

www.somegreybloke.com