Quote: ian_w @ March 27, 2008, 12:13 PM

Thank you all for your feedback, much appreciated.

David, special thanks to you for going to the trouble of re-writing.
Verbiage has always been one of my biggest problems. The only part I would disagree with is Man 1's dialogue during the storm. I see what you mean that on paper it is much more compact and looks lots tidier, but on screen I would have the weather changes happening as he talks so there would be no interuptions in the visual version (if you see what I'm saying).

I must say I'm also surprised you would opt to lose the 'Ah, there you go look' line - I thought this response would be funny seeing as it's so casual, as if he'd been trying to make the lighter work some normal way.

I will however be making many of the changes you suggested as I do think they're much neater, and again thank you for that.

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No worries. Thanks for not taking the rewrite as an affront!

You may well be right about the "there you go" line. I'd rather see it carried across with a facial expression myself. That's me talking from a writer/performer standpoint though - I can see why you'd want to convey it implicitly in the script.
 

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www.davidbussell.com
 

Quote: ian_w @ March 27, 2008, 12:13 PM

I must say I'm also surprised you would opt to lose the 'Ah, there you go look' line - I thought this response would be funny seeing as it's so casual, as if he'd been trying to make the lighter work some normal way.

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My favourite bit.

 

Very funny. P'raps a smidge too long but very funny. Send it in to Mitchell & Webb. Or Armstrong & Miller.
 

I liked this one. However, I think one less storm/incantation bit would make it sharper

I'd like to see Man 1's acting during the storm bits. His fear would be quite hilarious.
 

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I'm just an ant wading through mud.
 

Quote: Winterlight @ March 27, 2008, 10:43 PM

I liked this one. However, I think one less storm/incantation bit would make it sharper

I'd like to see Man 1's acting during the storm bits. His fear would be quite hilarious.

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I guess David Bussell's rewrite more or less needs to be the final article! I can see it now though - the bit about the whores can go without any real loss.

Quote: Perry Nium @ March 27, 2008, 9:47 PM

Very funny. P'raps a smidge too long but very funny. Send it in to Mitchell & Webb. Or Armstrong & Miller.

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Thanks very much Perry! I would send it in like a shot if I had the faintest idea how to even begin going about it. (there really is no hope for me )


Thanks to everyone once again, very helpful crit.
 

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I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

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