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Author Topic: Awkward Lighter
ian_w
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EXT. A STREET

MAN1 IS WALKING ALONG, WHISTLING TO HIMSELF. A STRANGER (MAN2) WITH AN UNLIT CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH, STOPS HIM.

MAN2:
'Scuse me, mate, you got a light on ya?

MAN1:
Yeah, sure.

MAN1 FEELS AROUND IN HIS POCKETS AND EVENTUALLY PRODUCES A LIGHTER.

MAN1(CONT):
Here you go!

MAN2:
Ah, great one. Cheers!

MAN2 TAKES THE LIGHTER. HE STRIKES IT A FEW TIMES BUT IT WILL NOT WORK. HE BOWS HIS HEAD AND PULLS HIS COAT OUT AS A WIND BARRIER, BUT STILL THE LIGHTER WON'T WORK.

MAN1:
Look, give it here. It's a bit tricky, there's a bit of a knack to it.

MAN2:
(HANDING BACK THE LIGHTER) Oh, ok!

MAN1 RAISES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS UPWARDS.

MAN1:
(SHOUTING) Heed me, spirits of the damned.

THE WIND STARTS TO BLOW HARDER AND TO HOWL.

MAN1(CONT):
Descend now, oh wretched and vile demons of Hell, upon this earth in which you have no place.

IT BEGINS TO THUNDER.

MAN1(CONT):
(SHOUTING LOUDER) Come! Come! Bring thee from thy dark abode!

IT STARTS LIGHTENING.

MAN1(CONT):
Come! As you came when I offered unto thee the blood of my virgin children. Come! As you came when you devoured my offspring, and spewed their bones into the unquenchable furnace of Hades.

ABOVE THE THUNDER AND WIND, DEMONIC MOANING NOISES AND HISSES FILL THE AIR.

MAN1(CONT):
Bethink thyself of all the whores I have sodomised brutally, so that their blood were rich for thee as it seeped from their throats. Come now, oh despicable abominations, and give me that which I am owed!

VERY SOON EVERYTHING RETURNS TO COMPLETE CALM, AND A LITTLE FLAME POPS UP ON THE LIGHTER.

MAN1:
Ah, there you go look!

MAN1 LIGHTS MAN2'S CIGARETTE. MAN2 DOESN'T INHALE BECAUSE HE IS PARALISED WITH SHOCK, SO THAT HIS CIGARETTE CATCHES FIRE AT THE END.

MAN1:
well, see ya then.

MAN1 RESUMES HIS WHISTLE AND WALKS AWAY.
 
I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

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DIKTURNIP
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I like it. Could see Mitchell and Webb doing something like this. I think the ending is a little weak though. I wouldn't try a punchline, but maybe a little further on someone could ask him for directions or something and the sketch fades as he goes into another rant. Any thoughts?

 
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ian_w
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Thanks DT!
I wish I hadn't said such bad things about M & W now *lol*

Yeah I'd be interested to hear what people think of your suggestion. I like the idea, but wonder if it might be pushing it a bit too far?
 
I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

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F Green
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What about after the storm starts the chap with cigarette gets struck by a bolt of lightning and his head is blown clean of his shoulders and smoke appears from torso. And the punchline is, you want to knock that smoking on the head mate.
 
"Francis shows great potential, if only he would shut up and listen".
 
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sootyj
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I like the simplicity of it. It's pretty good. Maybe lighter, lights briefly, and goes straight back out again?
 
The ASDA of satire.

I hate purity, I hate goodness!I don't want any virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones.

But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.

1984

 
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ian_w
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Quote: F Green @ March 26, 2008, 11:24 PM

What about after the storm starts the chap with cigarette gets struck by a bolt of lightning and his head is blown clean of his shoulders and smoke appears from torso. And the punchline is, you want to knock that smoking on the head mate.


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That's a good joke, erm...'F'? Think it would make it an entirely different sketch though.


Quote: sootyj @ March 26, 2008, 11:25 PM

I like the simplicity of it. It's pretty good. Maybe lighter, lights briefly, and goes straight back out again?


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Hadn't thought of that Joel. Thanks muchly, a good idea I think I may just add that!
 
I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

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Antony Wheeler
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Quote: sootyj @ March 26, 2008, 11:25 PM

I like the simplicity of it. It's pretty good. Maybe lighter, lights briefly, and goes straight back out again?


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Nice touch. I agree. :)


Great sketch, too. A bit like Armstrong & Miller of old.
 
"That kind of parsley garnish went out with the Bee Gees." - dinnerladies, Victoria Wood
 
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Badge
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Very funny. I have just LOL-ed. Well done.
 
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David Bussell
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It's a very good idea you've dragged out for a little too long. If it was shorter I don't think I'd feel the punch was lacking. Here's how I'd like to see it play out:

EXT. STREET - DAY

MAN 1 IS STROLLING ALONG, WHISTLING. A STRANGER (MAN 2) STOPS HIM - AN UNLIT CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH.

MAN 2:
'Scuse me, mate, you got a light?

MAN 1 PADS HIS POCKETS AND PRODUCES A LIGHTER.

MAN1(CONT):
There you go.

MAN 2:
Nice one.

MAN 2 TAKES THE LIGHTER. HE STRIKES IT A FEW TIMES BUT IT WON'T WORK. HE BOWS HIS HEAD AND PULLS HIS COAT OUT AS A WIND BARRIER. STILL NO JOY.

MAN 1:
There's a bit of a knack to it.

MAN 2 HANDS BACK THE LIGHTER. MAN 1 RAISES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS TO UPWARDS.

MAN 1:
(SHOUTING) Heed me, spirits of the damned!

WIND HOWLS.

MAN 1(CONT):
Descend now, oh wretched and vile demons of Hell, upon this earth in which you have no place. Come! Bring thee from thy dark abode!

THUNDER. DEMONIC MOANING FILLS THE AIR.

MAN 1(CONT):
Come as you came when I offered unto thee the blood of my virgin children. Come! As you came when you devoured my offspring, and spewed their bones into the unquenchable furnace of Hades. Come now, oh despicable abominations, and give me that which I am owed!

SUDDENLY EVERYTHING RETURNS TO CALM. A LITTLE FLAME POPS UP ON THE LIGHTER. MAN 1 LIGHTS THE CIGARETTE. MAN 2 DOESN'T INHALE - PARALYSED WITH SHOCK.

MAN 1:
See ya then.

 
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Antony Wheeler
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David, while I like your edit, I think it's funnier if it goes to greater extremes. It then makes the singularly unimpressive appearance of a tiny flame all the more amusing after a massive build-up.
 
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David Bussell
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Fair enough, but I think returning to the monlogue three times (with all the thunder, lightning and demonic moaning interspersed) is extreme enough. Five times seems a joke too far. Make it ten and it might start being funny again (ala Sideshow Bob stepping on the rakes).
 
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Antony Wheeler
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Or that classic 'I'm Alan Partridge' moment in the second series when he calls out the name 'Dan' about 20 times. :D
 
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David Bussell
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Quote: Antony Wheeler @ March 27, 2008, 11:07 AM

Or that classic 'I'm Alan Partridge' moment in the second series when he calls out the name 'Dan' about 20 times. :D


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Quite right.

 
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roscoff
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I think it needs editing down as David I think says. Two or three storms are enough for anyone. Three is normally the magic number. But excellent idea.
 
Genius.
 
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ian_w
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Thank you all for your feedback, much appreciated.

David, special thanks to you for going to the trouble of re-writing.
Verbiage has always been one of my biggest problems. The only part I would disagree with is Man 1's dialogue during the storm. I see what you mean that on paper it is much more compact and looks lots tidier, but on screen I would have the weather changes happening as he talks so there would be no interuptions in the visual version (if you see what I'm saying).

I must say I'm also surprised you would opt to lose the 'Ah, there you go look' line - I thought this response would be funny seeing as it's so casual, as if he'd been trying to make the lighter work some normal way.

I will however be making many of the changes you suggested as I do think they're much neater, and again thank you for that.
 
I went to the loo, and Katie came too (it was a public loo!)...I...shouted "Argh! It's too big for the hole!" - Robyn, BSG

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